by Cassendre Xavier
Where periodically I share my journey of healing my eating issues with raw vegan foods, whole and healthy cooked foods, and angel/spirituality.
Sunday May 8, 2016
Funny that it's Mother's Day and I'm writing a raw food and/or angel healing blog for the first time in a very long time.
It isn't that I haven't been doing the work. It's that I've been doing soooo much work in sooo many areas of my life.
But I'm discovering lately that food is fuel and it's so important. So is writing. So I've been writing a lot more these days. It's good therapy. I mean, I'm always writing writing writing, but instead of just journaling, now in addition to that, I also write other things and either post them immediately online or write them in my journal and post them later.
Anyway, lately my diet's been really health, except for candy.
I've been drinking lots of 1% milk, which has my Vitamin D levels so good that my nurse practioner is super impressed.
I eat brown rice, sardines (which are sooo good for my bipolar and posttraumatic stress conditions, because of their nutrients and Omega 3 essential fats which really help to mellow out my moods), steamed or raw vegetables, fruits, and supplements, garlic, turmeric and other herbs and spices. I also use a lite salt, which is half potassium.
I think what prompted me to write this blog is that something strange has happened in the last few days… something that will become normal for me in my life…
I stopped eating. I didn't overeat. I mean, I still overeat and virtually every meal, but I've had two meals in the past week in which I didn't overeat.
Instead, I stopped, because I looked at the time and I saw that if I stopped now I would be able to eat the rest of it later for dinner.
Here are the thoughts I had when I was struggling with the temptation:
But I want to.
But I don't want to clean up and put extra food away.
But I'm afraid of what it will feel like to do something different.
And here are the thoughts I had that led to my putting the bowl away:
My stomach is stuffed and I want to stop hurting myself.
I got very painful gastritis twice in one year, and it's from a lifetime of eating too much. Enough.
If I stop now I'll have a delicious meal to enjoy in a few hours.
I'm ready to stop hurting myself.
Washing the bowl and putting away the food isn't that big a deal or hardship.
I want to begin living the life I've spoken about wanting to create for myself.
I'm ready to heal and be well.
I deserve a happy, healthy, and beautiful life.
It starts with me.
I am ready.
So, I did wash the bowl, and it wasn't a big deal.
I am looking forward to dinner in a few hours.
My stomach is still full and I am enjoying the feeling of knowing I didn't make it any worse (because I could have. I could've eaten ⅓ more. And I'm so glad I didn't!)
I still have dessert to look forward to!
How it feels?
I just realized it's important to notice and write down how it feels to push the extra food away, since I was so terrified of the unknown. I have a splendid opportunity to record this terrifying unknown. It's like the Bermuda Triangle or something!
It feels like another moment. It feels like me still feeling my stomach too full. But it feels like I didn't make it worse. It feels like I'm typing on my computer.
It feels exactly the same as it did before I put the food away, only I'm better.
My stomach is better than if I'd kept going (harming myself with food - it's not even "eating" is it?).
My self-esteem is better than if I'd kept eating.
My writing life is better than if I'd kept eating.
And anyone who enjoys my reading or is going through a similar struggle, is better because in that moment a few minutes ago, I stopped hurting myself with food.
Food doesn't want to hurt us. That's not what it's there for.
If you're struggling with this, I want you to know you're not alone.
You can learn to be a balanced eater, and it begins with one baby step at at time, of loving yourself exactly as you are in every moment.
It's not a quick fix, but a lifelong journey.
I'm 47 and just had two meals in an entire week (at least 21 meals) where I didn't hurt myself with food. It's a journey.
Hope to meet you on it someday :)
(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls, aka Endowed Goddess)
(Multi-Media Healing Artist & Award-Winning Community Cultural Arts Organizer)
Official website: http://cassendrexavier.com