Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: How Was Your Day?
by Cassendre Xavier
I love being asked "How was your day?" I really do. And even though I'm polyamorous and usually have more than one significant other at a time, still, I haven't before now experienced as prolific an experience of having a partner who asks me this at the end of the day as one might expect a woman with multiple relationship partners would.
I say "before now", because recently I came to realize that being asked "How was your day?" is actually something I really want. I didn't know that before.
Recently I've become romantically involved with a man who naturally fell into the habit of texting me "Good morning" and "Good night". A few words mixed in, about his day and/or mine, but I kind of got to really enjoy, be warmed, and be moved by his morning greetings and night blessings.
This is what I told him recently and would like to share with you.
In 2012 when I met my then "Main Squeeze" at the 7th Annual Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia, I also met four other potential sweeties. Of the ones that gelled, "Main Squeeze" and "My Lady Friend" stuck.
I was already seeing my late and hottest partner, and added Main Squeeze to the local Philly and NYC mix, as well as My Lady Friend, who lived in far upstate NY.
I'd see my two guys regularly, spending a couple of days with my local guy, and visiting my NYC guy every couple of weeks and spending a couple of days with him.
But even with two boyfriends, with whom I spoke regularly on the phone, I had no one to say "Good morning" and "How was your day?" to. I didn't know I missed this until it happened with My Lady Friend.
She and I talked every day, and she was the first one to say Good morning to me and she was the only one to ask me how my day was. She was the first persun I spoke to in the morning and the last one I spoke to before I went to sleep. It felt so good to have that in my life, and I didn't know I missed it.
Here's why it didn't happen with my guys:
Philly guy drank. I can't stand to be around inebriated people. I don't like the sound of slurred speech, and I abhor being around people who are out of control of their facilities. It's very scary to me. I loved him, but I couldn't stand when I'd call or he'd call me, and I could hear that he was drunk. So for this reason, even though we were both awake at the same times, I didn't want to hear from or talk with him. So the "Good morning" and "How was your day/Good night" wasn't likely to happen very often.
NYC guy (Main Squeeze) drove cab and was a night owl. He didn't even get out of bed until around noon, and would start work at around 3:00pm, working through to about 2 in the morning and that's why by the time he got to bed he was asleep until noon. That didn't work for me, even though he didn't drink too much like my Philly guy.
My Lady Friend was up when I was up, hit the sack when I hit the sack, and was as stone cold sober as I was. We also enjoyed discussing the Law of Attraction and lots of other things. She made copies of many Abraham Hicks presentations and mailed them to me in CD format in padded mailers. It was very nice of her and something that I require very fondly about our relationship. That and her sing-song and prolific saying of "Hello, sweetie" to me. I really loved that.
During my relationship with My Lady Friend I learned that I really enjoy the "Good morning," "How was your day?" and "Good night" thing. Then I forgot all about that after my relationships with her and, at a much later time, Main Squeeze, ended, as many relationships are wont to do, having fully run their course.
Recently, I thought of a couple of things:
Here are some things you can do to entice your partner(s) to ask you, "How Was Your Day?"
Don't contact your mate(s) too often. Make them miss you long enough to actually be curious to know what you've been doing with your time. I say this as a persun with a long-time bipolar condition. I am often in a manic state, which compounds the normal amount of womanly emotional neediness into something way way more than is ever recommended by relationship coaches! One of the things I've been talking about a lot is chemistry and compatibility. There is a lid for every pot, as the saying goes, so I'm very happy to regularly find partners who either don't mind my voluminous verbiocity, or whose energy in receiving and/or responding to them is a good match for me. That is the case with my current romantic partner who not only can handle my level of contact, but really likes it. (I think it also really helps that his brother also has a bipolar condition!)
I realized that if I want to hear from my partner more, I'd have to not text him all day with my thoughts, feelings, and activities, no matter how much I wanted to share them with him, and no matter how much he claims to enjoy. If it is very difficult for me to stay away (silent), I will go back to my regular routine. But for now I'm going to try texting my partner less and focusing on my writing (and other self-enriching activities) more.
Do stuff that's so bad-ass, your partner(s) will want to ask. Best to focus on living your life, being very happy, and reach constantly for self-fulfillment, self-contentment, self-actualization. As you focus on doing such kick-ass stuff, you will enjoy doing those things, and at some point when your partner(s) ask, you will share something that will wow them, and make them very glad they asked. This will inspire them to ask you again sometime. And in the meantime, you will again be focused on building your better and better life.
Distract yourself. Working on doing bad-ass stuff every day will help distract you from feeling like you want or need more emotional attention from your partner(s) such as receiving "Good morning" and "How was your day?" and "Good night" greetings. As you focus on fattening and beautifying your own life, you will be distracting yourself from your yearning, thereby lessening your need for what it is you thought you wanted more of. You will be then telling the universe that you have (something else – the excitement and increased self-worth that comes from doing good work for yourself), and the universe says "Yes! Yes, you do have something else! And let's give you more of that thing!" You can also distract yourself in much easier, much lazier ways! You can watch TV, read a fun book, go see a movie, ride a bike or play tennis with a friend or three. So many options!
Having someone who says "How was your day?" is a very special thing. It is a wonderful feeling. But it's not as special as your own unique and beautiful life. Your life is the most special and wonderful thing. And the only way to know that is to get into your life as much as you get into your relationships and the delightful and always rewarding experience of soulmate attraction. Enjoy your life!
Cassendre Xavier has been writing the "Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us" series at Wisdom Magazine's online edition since 2011. She is the author of the forthcoming book Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Dating & Relationships for the Poly, Recovering, Survivor & Tantric, and has presented her workshop of the same title at Sisterspace Weekend in Darlington, Maryland (September 2014) and the 10th & 11th Annual Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia (February 2015 & 2016, respectively). Cassendre was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) at age 23. She has been a member of Philadelphia's LGBT, polyamorous, and New Age/ancient wisdom spiritual communities since 1991, and from 1996-1999 facilitated Sisters Healing Together, a peer support group for women survivors of incest with a special focus on compulsive overeating, which she also founded, at the William Way LGBT Community Center in Philadelphia. Under her self-assigned spiritual name Amethyste Rah, Cassendre released the popular Affirmations for Survivors guided meditation audio series ("Self-Love" and "Spirituality" in 2007, and "Sexuality" and "Life Skills" are forthcoming). For more information, please visit http://cassEndrExavier.com