Thursday, June 19, 2014

Me! Me! Me! CX Museletter "Bipolar Bear" ediccione

Me! Me! Me! A Cassendre Xavier Museletter

The “Bipolar Bear” ediccione, if you will. (As it were.)

Thursday, June 19, 2014



Hello, friends. I am happy to be greeting you again. Writing has become part of my therapy, and as such is one way I both receive and emit joy. Hope you can feel it!
This morning as I was walking in beautiful southwest Philadelphia, I noticed a tall, dark-skinned black woman walking with a taller black-haired white guy who was walking a shaggy copper-colored dog on a leash. Never assume, but they totally looked like a couple and I thought again about how much I love the ethnic diversity of West Philly/University City. Although I don’t live there now, I look forward to returning, and I’ve lived there off and on for much of my almost 20 years in Philadelphia.
I love so much about this part of town, which so far is my favorite in all of Philadelphia. I remember once a little over a year ago, when I was going to Park Slope, Brooklyn to visit my former Main Squeeze and now good friend, I returned and posted on Facebook something like, “I’ve seen more interracial couples and families in one day in Park Slope than I see in a month in Philly.” Now, granted, there are tons in West Philly – tons. But even that amount doesn’t compare to what I saw in Park Slope. Sheer beauty!
An acquaintance, a poet who was originally from NY and had recently moved to Philly, responded that he never saw any interracial couples in Philly. (He happens to be a white guy who digs black chyks.) I was like, “Are you kiddin’ me? I can’t escape ‘em!” Why is it that he and I have such differing views? Where’s he hangin’ out that he never sees interracial couples in Philly, the Union League???
Anyway, I was thinking about this today, as I walked and enjoyed the rich amount of mixed race yumminess going on in my chosen neighborhood. How lucky I was to see what I saw and how unfortunate it was that my associate didn’t have the same vision or experience that I did.
I decided to imagine that the same facility I had in imagining this and attracting proof that it exists to the blinders I have in other areas of my life – areas where I don’t see abundance – where I have to keep working to see it, believe it, live it.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Is it because I have relationships with white guys so often that I believe it’s easy and it’s all around me? Or is the other way around? And how can I apply this ease to believing I can do the work I want to do and easily make an excellent living? How can I apply it to believing I can overcome my addiction to food and tendency to attract drama in my relationships?
Well, thanks to the angels, I don’t have to figure it out! All I have to do is ask! Which is exactly what I did – and I also used my imagination, which is also a great way to try to get something done. The imagination is one of the most powerful tools of manifestation.
We all have areas in our lives where we manifest really easily. We are masters at having the steady day job, but can't seem to put pen to paper to write the poetry we've yearned for so long to write. Or the other way around – we are great at being creative, but not so good at earning steady income.
Perhaps we can ask the universe to show us how to apply the power, wisdom, and sense of easy entitlement we have in one area to the other area. We can invite the angels to open our eyes and render gone the blind spot that's caused us discomfort for so long.
We can imagine being more balanced, and believing we can achieve abundance in all areas for a life of comfort and security.
For more, check out my Wisdom Magazine article “Expecting the Universe's Elevator” at Article.aspx/1425/.
There was a time not so long ago that even the $23.99 a month for the unlimited websites plan I got grandfathered into was too much for me to handle, so I spent weeks saving the content of my most important websites and closed them. After all, they weren't getting that many hits anyway. But now, as I awaken the joys that got my sites seen a lot more “back in the day”, and with the advent of all these lovely free website companies (like Wordpress and Weebly), I'm slowly rejoining the game. You can see what I did in a few hours the other day hereuponthyself:

Here's a tale of successful visualization, or “feelingization” as Arielle Ford says: For the last couple of weeks, I was daydreaming with fond memories of how much I used to love performing at Sisterspace Weekend. In the olden days it was in the Poconos, and in recent years it's been in Darlington, MD. I've had the pleasure of performing at both locations. I featured solo and I also backed up my friend Jan Alvarez.
Months ago, I email pitched a gig to Sisterspace and didn't hear from them for a long time, which isn't unusual for an all-volunteer run organization. When I finally did, they just said they were reviewing submissions, and that I could try again next year as this time I was too late. At least that's what I thought I read. I let the dream go and thought, “Oh well. Maybe next year.” But for some reason recently, I just kept thinking about how much I'd love to be at the artist's house again – where featured speakers and performers stay, as opposed to the cabins.
This is how powerful visualization/feelingization is. It doesn't matter what's going in the physical –things will be shifted by intention and emotion.
Just a few days after the artist house daydreaming, I received a Facebook message from one of the organizers offering me a gig! It turns out that after discussion, the consensus was to change the original lineup and suddenly there was space for Ms. Xavier!
So, this coming weekend after Labor Day, I will be in lovely Darlington, MD, surrounded by beautiful Nature, spirit, and wimmin, doing what I do best, sharing of my gifts and creating and enjoying community. From their FAQs page: “SisterSpace always takes place during the weekend after Labor Day. The 2014 Weekend starts on Friday, September 5th and ends on Sunday, September 7th.”
More as I have it. And more about Sisterspace at
More about creative visualization/feelingization here: How to do it. Wanna try? :-) Ok: Feel good. Imagine yourself having what you want, with much detail. Use a past memory if it helps, but always bring it to the present. Pretend you are using your imagination to “paint” your reality. If you don't believe, then pretend. Pretend it will work for you as you've heard it work for countless others. Believe it will happen at some point. Release the need to know how it will happen. Expect to be pleasantly surprised. Extra credit: Ask the angels to help you every step of the way. Have fun and talk about your results with trusted friends or in your writing or other work!

  1. NEW! CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS (WOMEN’S WRITING & SPOKEN WORD SERIES – MT. AIRY) The Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series is “a nurturing environment that celebrates women in the craft of multi-genre writing” founded by CX at Robin's Bookstore in 2002. The Series resumes on the 2nd Thursday of the month from September throughout the end of the year at Big Blue Marble bookstore551 Carpenter Lane, Philadelphia, PA 19119. As always, the series will be from 7pm-9pm, free and open to the public, feature 2 readers at 20 minutes each, and inlcude a mixed-gender open mic. There is no stipend at this time for featured readers, but I'm hoping that will change with grants and sponsorship we're applying for now. Currently, I (CX) am the only host and curator, although that may change over time as well, as it has in the past.
What has changed is that we are going regional. Meaning, there will be multiple venues, and each one will mostly feature readers from that neighborhood. We are negotiating with other venues now and will announce them as soon as they are confirmed.
So, if you are a woman writer at any level of accomplishment living in the Mt. Airy or surrounding area(s), and you would like to feature, please send a short (3 page maximum) writing sample, picture of yourself (portrait or as much face as possible), and a 200 word maximum bio. Please include your primary URL (website, blog, Facebook, etc.) which will be included in your public bio, and email address and phone number, for private use only. Send these to: WomensWritingSeries [AT] yahoo [DOT] com. (Please remove the [AT] and replace it with @ and remove [DOT] and replace it with . Also remove all spaces. It's written this way to avoid spam.)

A Course In Miracles (ACIM) is “A unique, universal, self-study spiritual thought system that teaches that the way to Love and Inner Peace is through Forgiveness.”
I read from my ACIM combined volume (text/workbook for students/manual for teachers) every day and am feeling compelled to share my experience of studying ACIM for the first time since I discovered it.
I learned about ACIM somewhere between 1994 and 1996 when I was working at a chain bookstore in Rittenhouse Square that is not Barnes & Noble :-). I spent a lot of time in the section that book was in, I don't even remember what that was exactly, but I practially set up a tent there and its neighbors, Self-Help/Personal Growth, Abuse, Addictions,Recovery, and Psychology.
I was drawn to and curious about it, but didn't hear much about ACIM again until I started reading much more New Age spiritual authors. A couple of my mentors mentioned it a lot, and then one of my dearest friends was always with and a longtime student of it. Still, again, it wasn't my time to study the Course.
Over the years, I've sought and found ACIM classes, but their locations or fees were prohibitive.
Recently, I decided it was time. I got the calling. As happens, the stars all aligned for greatest ease to fulfill the vision. One of the first things that happened was that being so antisocial these days, I had no need for an in-person group meeting to proceed with my learnings. So that limit was removed. Then the next thing that happened was that I read in one of my mentors' books that she started studying the workbook for students before she read the text. I'd been reading the text, or trying to, off and on for years and always felt I would maybe never be ready to do the workbook. But she wrote she just “felt compelled” to begin the book at the workbook. Wow. So much power in giving oneself permission. Not only did she help me, but now I'm writing about how I did the same, hopefully inspiring someone to being studying without feeling the need to complete or even begin the text. So, with my teacher's inspiration, or, as the Course says, “demonstration”, I immediately began to learn the workbook.
One thing I'm experiencing in doing the study is that I seem to know a lot of it already. Not the text, but the lessons. It's not that I know the lessons, but I know why they were created. And I realized I know this because many of my teachers, mentors, and authors of the dozens of New Age spirituality books and guided meditations I've enjoyed over the years, are students and teachers of the Course, and included many of its sentiments in their works. So, I've gotten accustomed to the premise of “love or fear”. I've become accustomed to the idea that what we are perceiving around us is illusion and that the only real thing is what we don't or can't, in these bodies, see.
Another thing I've noticed is the joy and eagerness I have in this study. I wake up and the first book I reach for is ACIM. I'm excited about doing the lessons! I never felt this way about any other book, especially not the Bible, which I grew up having to study, Sunday School, and everything.
Perhaps one of the things about it is that one can feel the benefits right away of practicing the lessons.
What I am most enjoying these days is not doing the lessons, but reading the Introduction of the Manual for Teachers. They really “get” it. How the Course talks about teachers is how I've always felt it is. That teacher and student are like Dom and sub in the kinky/BDSM world – in many ways one and the same, and not able to exist without the other. Good stuff!
For more about A Course In Miracles and the Foundation for Inner Peace, visit

At the viewing of my late grandmother in New York last week, the day before her funeral, I was talking to my cousin about her and I shared how I had a feeling she might have had some kind of mood disorder, because when I last saw her, in the nursing home at age 92 (she passed closed to her 95th birthday), she was so sweet in demeanor!
I said to myself then, and shared with him that wow, she must surely have had something for the drugs to have had that dramatic effect and change her personality so much. Without missing a beat, my cousin, a very vivacious medical student, interjected, “Oh, yeah, she's bipolar, definintely.” What?? I was shocked! I had never put a term on it – I just said “mood disorder”. He said, “Oh, yeah, she was diagnosed a long time ago.” I was like, wow. Wow. Do you know what that did to me? Or I should say for me. It gave me freedom. Bipolars are almost predictibly and consistently often in denial about our fate. Being manic feels so good and there's so much stigma still in society about mental health issues that we often don't want to admit there's something wrong with our brains.
I felt free to admit it now, I guess in a different way. My own grandmother had the disorder! So, it's okay and I guess it could be expected that I might be affected, too. Another thing that happened was that it explained a lot of other things about the behavior around me of other people who are related to her. I suspect there is more mental illness in my family than has been spoken of before. Why should there be so much silence? Why should there be shame about this issue. I'm so over it. And I'm so happy to know there's something special about me that I share with my grandmother. All I can do now is keep trying to be the best person I can be, and live with all my gifts and limitations like anyone else. We're all doing the best we can with what we have.
I also found out a few days ago that Nina Simone was diagnosed bipolar in the 1980s. There are so many of us, and I'm proud to be in the company of these proud Black women, like Nina Simone, like my grandmother, who did so much good despite our imperfections. I want to model the possibilities. I ask for the strength and support from all positive sources in the universe to do so. Thank you for being among them!

    Because of a family need, I have been spending a lot more time with a 2 year old relative of mine. Providing childcare on weeknights has been infringing on much of my work time, but it has also touched a space in my heart that had been longing for more connection. For many years I've dreamed of being in a community where I can co-parent with at least 3 other adults some young ones. But that hasn't been my reality (yet?).
    Spending time with “E”, I've been feeling very protective of him. I love how much we're bonding, and I'm becoming more aware of the attachment theory I've become familiar with over the years. I don't want to just disappear after this brief time of helping to only see him once every 3 months. So much development happens in that time. So, as I'm trying to calm my anxieties and live from love rather than fear, I am noticing how protective I am of him. Even when walking him in a stroller, I am ready to pounce on anyone doing the slightest thing to him. Not that that would happen. I noticed that yesterday. We were walking along and a guy got a little too close to me on the sidewalk – just a little too close. I suddenly imagined myself leaping over him and wailing out all over his stupid, stupid head! Like you see on those YouTube “captured” videos... I was gonna wail on him!! Oh yeah, mama bear came out in full force.
Then I realized something. We should feel that way about each other. We should all love one another like we cherish the precious children in our lives, in our families. We're supposed to do that.
I realize I feel this way about E, not only because he's closely related to me, but because I was at his birth. I assisted. I was the only family member there, besides his own mother. The only friend. The only non-medical staff. My doula dreams came true as I assisted, and I was the one who cut his umbilical cord.
All major spiritual texts stress the importance of loving one another as we do ourselves. But I've never felt this until I've experienced the protectiveness I have for E.
I invite you to tap into that feeling. When you're next around someone, be it stranger or beloved, look at them with new eyes – as if you had helped to bring them into the world. As if you had, easily, the love we are taught to have for one another.
We Are All One.

 Today's museletter was brought to you by the number 7 and the letter J. Also, I dedicate it to my dear and far away friends KSD and MEK for always urging me, in my psychic mind, to write and send this thing. Thank you all for being here. I trust you are well and all ways getting better.
© Copyright 2014 by Cassendre Xavier. All rights reserved. http://
Make yourself a beautiful day!
Cassendre Xavier
(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls)
“renaissance negresse & ARTrepreneur”
(musician/writer/actress/fine artist)

Leeway Transformation Award-Winning founder & director of the Black Women’s Arts Festival (Est. 2003) BWAF ( BWAFfanpage)

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