Sunday, April 24, 2016

Goddess Sundays: Balancing Feminine & Masculine

GODDESS SUNDAYS (where every week we explore feminine aspects of the divine): Balance your feminine and masculine energies by receiving (feminine) as much as you give (masculine). That is power.
-- 
Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls, aka Endowed Goddess)

"renaissance negresse"

(Multi-Media Healing Artist & Award-Winning Community Cultural Arts Organizer)

Founder & executive director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003 http://BWAFphilly.org) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002 http://WomensWritingSeries.org). 

Official website: http://cassendrexavier.com

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Living with Bipolar Disorder: Food Addiction & Family

I've discovered that when my eating is really out of control, my bipolar symptoms are at their strongest. I've learned there's a connection between compulsive overeating and other eating disorders, and bipolar disorder.

My therapist told me today that when my bipolar symptoms are under control, my eating will be more balanced as well.

That's really helpful to know.

The past few weeks I've had very strong manic and depressive episodes, and I've self-medicated by eating a lot of carbs, sugar, dairy, and chocolate. I can see that I'm using them alternately to calm, soothe, comfort, stimulate, and sedate myself.

And I know what I can do to help - make sure I have more fruit, get more exercise, etc. But when I'm depressed I don't have much energy to do all of those things. I don't feel completely helpless - I see that I'm making progress and for sure even just knowing these things about my condition really helps. Knowledge really is power! But I do feel discouraged a lot of the time when I see what I "should" do but physically I don't have much strength or willpower to do it.

Another thing is I don't tend to have all the time I need, either. Between my health related classes, appointments, volunteering at causes related to my life purpose, and just R&R, I don't have much energy left over for much else. But I see that needs to change. I need to restructure how I spend my time, because buying fruit and exercise has become mandatory. It's part of my holistic treatment for my bipolar disorder. I can't get much done without taking care of that.

I'm excited about making my schedule match the most important things I need to do in my life.

As I continue to learn how to manage my bipolar disorder, I will then be able to make more progress in becoming a balanced and normal eater for the first time in my life.

Looking back now I can see that even as a child, my eating was disordered, but it was likely due to my bipolar disorder, not just being a compulsive overeater.

I remember my uncle catching me eating almost an entire loaf of soft white bread once. I was somewhere between age 4 and 8. Apparently he'd counted the slices before I left for school in the morning, and when I returned and ate, he then counted them, and there were a whole bunch missing. I was mortified. Very embarrassed and ashamed. I wonder how my self-esteem might have been different had someone diagnosed me as having bipolar disorder (and not just a greedy child) and told me that something in my brain was making me eat this way.

I can also now see why I attended an anonymous 12-Step program for people with compulsive food behaviors, for 27 years, with very little results. Because I wasn't treating the bipolar condition.

Today my psychiatrist and I upped my dose of medication again. I don't discuss the drug or dosage because it could encourage someone to take it even if it's not right for them, and also it could change at some point before I updated my blog, if I even do update it at all on the subject of medication. I just don't want to mention it because I'd have to keep that info current. And I already have enough on my plate!

So I just wanted to share this - because I know the more I write about my problems, the easier it'll be to solve them. I'm always lamenting I don't get enough time to write. Now I'm noticing all the many pockets of time there are available in a day. I can always squirrel away a bit here and a bit there. And hit send.


So now I have hope. Even though my stomach is stretched full with food, my head hurts from hypertensive dehydration and I feel totally lost and out of control, I have hope because I can also see just as clearly the madness that's out of my control. I'm fine. I'm with God and God's always with me here. I'm fine. I just have to know that I'm crazy and I'm fine! It's when I think I'm fine that I'm stark raving mad. Am I making any sense? :) When I know I'm not okay, I feel okay.

Depression has a look, you know. I look depressed now. And it's not just a lack of grooming (don't worry, I'm showered - I just don't give an eff about my hair and clothes!). It's a physical look. I know that look now, because I'm learning about my bipolar condition. I can see that I'm depressed. And now I know why my paternal grandmother always looked so grumpy. In every picture, she's stern and angry looking. Mean. Bipolar. She was diagnosed in her late 80s in the nursing home. It is such a relief knowing it's hereditary. Somehow feels like a blessing.


I wonder what my grandmother's life might have looked or been like had she been diagnosed in her 20s, or even her teens,  on a medication that really worked for her, and in regular psychotherapy. What her children's lives might have looked like, and what mine might have looked like.


But she was living in Haiti in the 1930s & 1940s. Expecting that kind of mental health treatment and sophistication there would've been like expecting them to have cell phones.


I am very grateful for being in the USA when I am.

Grateful for diagnosis (early) and treatment (early but inconsistent), which continues and improves.


Thanks for listening. Time to hit send. :)



Cassendre

http://cassendrexavier.com


Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Klancy Miller's book "Cooking Solo"!

A friend from long ago popped into my head yesterday so I texted myself to Google her today. Just did, and turns out she just released a new book last month! Not only does "Cooking Solo: The Joy of Cooking for Yourself" look absolutely fantastic, the concept of joy for yourself, for its own sake, is a great compliment to my soulmate attraction work! Klancy Miller's book: http://www.amazon.com/Cooking-Solo-The-Joy-Yourself/dp/0544176480. My "Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Dating & Relationships for the Polyamorous, Recovering, Survivor, and Tantric" at Wisdom Magazine's online edition: http://bit.ly/1NleI0e

-- 
Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls, aka Endowed Goddess)

"renaissance negresse"

(Multi-Media Healing Artist & Award-Winning Community Cultural Arts Organizer)

Founder & executive director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003 http://BWAFphilly.org) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002 http://WomensWritingSeries.org). 

Official website: http://cassendrexavier.com

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Goddess Sundays: We Don't Need Their Religion

GODDESS SUNDAYS (where every week we explore feminine aspects of the divine): The religion mongers have often sought to eliminate us Nature People because 1)They know we don't need them, and 2) We lead others to their own power.

-- 
Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls, aka Endowed Goddess)

"renaissance negresse"

(Multi-Media Healing Artist & Award-Winning Community Cultural Arts Organizer)

Founder & executive director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003 http://BWAFphilly.org) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002 http://WomensWritingSeries.org). 

Official website: http://cassendrexavier.com

Goddess Sundays: Inside Job

GODDESS SUNDAYS (where we explore feminine aspects of the divine),

Goddess spirituality is an inside job; going within and seeking to hear and learn from Her.

-- 
Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls, aka Endowed Goddess)

"renaissance negresse"

(Multi-Media Healing Artist & Award-Winning Community Cultural Arts Organizer)

Founder & executive director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003 http://BWAFphilly.org) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002 http://WomensWritingSeries.org). 

Official website: http://cassendrexavier.com

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Goddess Sundays: Rest.

GODDESS SUNDAYS (where we explore feminine aspects of the divine): Nature is not afraid to rest. For as long and as deeply as you need it, and completely without guilt or shame: Rest.

-- 
Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls, aka Endowed Goddess)

"renaissance negresse"

(Multi-Media Healing Artist & Award-Winning Community Cultural Arts Organizer)

Founder & executive director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003 http://BWAFphilly.org) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002 http://WomensWritingSeries.org). 

Official website: http://cassendrexavier.com

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Thanks, Spotify Users! (Mo' Money in March!)

Dear Friends!

On March 20, CD Baby sent me a payment of $211.87, for the sales of my music sold through them and through the following:

The direct ACH deposit was to pay you:
$44.63 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$30.87 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$30.11 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$29.37 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$16.01 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$15.41 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$15.12 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$14.80 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$14.72 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$0.64 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Amazon MP3
$0.04 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$0.03 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through iTunes Match - Americas
$0.02 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Deezer
$0.01 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Yandex
$0.01 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Yandex
$0.01 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Yandex
$0.01 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through YouTube Music
$0.01 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through iTunes - Apple Music - Australia
$0.01 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$0.01 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$0.01 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$0.01 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify
$0.01 for DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION SALES through Spotify

As you see, the lioness's share of the sales of my music downloads are from Spotify. Thank you to all of whom who buy my  music through there, and for yours and other's convenience, I'm including the link for future sales. Thank you!

Cassendre Xavier on Spotify:

https://play.spotify.com/artist/4RMYa6grnyPucTtytI8JI6?play=true&utm_source=open.spotify.com&utm_medium=open

or: http://bit.ly/1VeaieF

Thank you for your continued support of my art/work, and therefore, life!

-- 
Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier
(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls, aka Endowed Goddess)
"renaissance negresse"
(Multi-Media Healing Artist & Award-Winning Community Cultural Arts Organizer)
Founder & executive director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003 http://BWAFphilly.org) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002 http://WomensWritingSeries.org). 
Official website: http://cassendrexavier.com/



 

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Goddess Sundays: Use Everything

GODDESS SUNDAYS (where every week we explore feminine aspects of the divine): Nature wastes nothing. Making daily use of all you have, pleasant or not, greatly increases your powers.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Soulmate Attraction: How Was Your Day?

Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: How Was Your Day?


by Cassendre Xavier


I love being asked "How was your day?" I really do. And even though I'm polyamorous and usually have more than one significant other at a time, still, I haven't before now experienced as prolific an experience of having a partner who asks me this at the end of the day as one might expect a woman with multiple relationship partners would.

I say "before now", because recently I came to realize that being asked "How was your day?" is actually something I really want. I didn't know that before.


Recently I've become romantically involved with a man who naturally fell into the habit of texting me "Good morning" and "Good night".  A few words mixed in, about his day and/or mine, but I kind of got to really enjoy, be warmed, and be moved by his morning greetings and night blessings.


This is what I told him recently and would like to share with you.


In 2012 when I met my then "Main Squeeze" at the 7th Annual Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia, I also met four other potential sweeties. Of the ones that gelled, "Main Squeeze" and "My Lady Friend" stuck.

I was already seeing my late and hottest partner, and added Main Squeeze to the local Philly and NYC mix, as well as My Lady Friend, who lived in far upstate NY.

I'd see my two guys regularly, spending a couple of days with my local guy, and visiting my NYC guy every couple of weeks and spending a couple of days with him.

But even with two boyfriends, with whom I spoke regularly on the phone, I had no one to say "Good morning" and "How was your day?" to. I didn't know I missed this until it happened with My Lady Friend.

She and I talked every day, and she was the first one to say Good morning to me and she was the only one to ask me how my day was. She was the first persun I spoke to in the morning and the last one I spoke to before I went to sleep. It felt so good to have that in my life, and I didn't know I missed it.

Here's why it didn't happen with my guys:


Philly guy drank. I can't stand to be around inebriated people. I don't like the sound of slurred speech, and I abhor being around people who are out of control of their facilities. It's very scary to me. I loved him, but I couldn't stand when I'd call or he'd call me, and I could hear that he was drunk. So for this reason, even though we were both awake at the same times, I didn't want to hear from or talk with him. So the "Good morning" and "How was your day/Good night" wasn't likely to happen very often.


NYC guy (Main Squeeze) drove cab and was a night owl. He didn't even get out of bed until around noon, and would start work at around 3:00pm, working through to about 2 in the morning and that's why by the time he got to bed he was asleep until noon. That didn't work for me, even though he didn't drink too much like my Philly guy.


My Lady Friend was up when I was up, hit the sack when I hit the sack, and was as stone cold sober as I was. We also enjoyed discussing the Law of Attraction and lots of other things. She made copies of many Abraham Hicks presentations and mailed them to me in CD format in padded mailers. It was very nice of her and something that I require very fondly about our relationship. That and her sing-song and prolific saying of "Hello, sweetie" to me. I really loved that.


During my relationship with My Lady Friend I learned that I really enjoy the "Good morning," "How was your day?" and "Good night" thing. Then I forgot all about that after my relationships with her and, at a much later time, Main Squeeze, ended, as many relationships are wont to do, having fully run their course.


Recently, I thought of a couple of things:


Here are some things you can do to entice your partner(s) to ask you, "How Was Your Day?"


  1. Don't contact your mate(s) too often. Make them miss you long enough to actually be curious to know what you've been doing with your time. I say this as a persun with a long-time bipolar condition. I am often in a manic state, which compounds the normal amount of womanly emotional neediness into something way way more than is ever recommended by relationship coaches! One of the things I've been talking about a lot is chemistry and compatibility. There is a lid for every pot, as the saying goes, so I'm very happy to regularly find partners who either don't mind my voluminous verbiocity, or whose energy in receiving and/or responding to them is a good match for me. That is the case with my current romantic partner who not only can handle my level of contact, but really likes it. (I think it also really helps that his brother also has a bipolar condition!)

I realized that if I want to hear from my partner more, I'd have to not text him all day with my thoughts, feelings, and activities, no matter how much I wanted to share them with him, and no matter how much he claims to enjoy. If it is very difficult for me to stay away (silent), I will go back to my regular routine. But for now I'm going to try texting my partner less and focusing on my writing (and other self-enriching activities) more.


  1. Do stuff that's so bad-ass, your partner(s) will want to ask. Best to focus on living your life, being very happy, and reach constantly for self-fulfillment, self-contentment, self-actualization. As you focus on doing such kick-ass stuff, you will enjoy doing those things, and at some point when your partner(s) ask, you will share something that will wow them, and make them very glad they asked. This will inspire them to ask you again sometime. And in the meantime, you will again be focused on building your better and better life.


  1. Distract yourself. Working on doing bad-ass stuff every day will help distract you from feeling like you want or need more emotional attention from your partner(s) such as receiving "Good morning" and "How was your day?" and "Good night" greetings.  As you focus on fattening and beautifying your own life, you will be distracting yourself from your yearning, thereby lessening your need for what it is you thought you wanted more of. You will be then telling the universe that you have (something else – the excitement and increased self-worth that comes from doing good work for yourself), and the universe says "Yes! Yes, you do have something else! And let's give you more of that thing!" You can also distract yourself in much easier, much lazier ways! You can watch TV, read a fun book, go see a movie, ride a bike or play tennis with a friend or three. So many options!



Having someone who says "How was your day?" is a very special thing. It is a wonderful feeling. But it's not as special as your own unique and beautiful life. Your life is the most special and wonderful thing. And the only way to know that is to get into your life as much as you get into your relationships and the delightful and always rewarding experience of soulmate attraction. Enjoy your life!


Cassendre Xavier has been writing the "Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us" series at Wisdom Magazine's online edition since 2011. She is the author of the forthcoming book Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Dating & Relationships for the Poly, Recovering, Survivor & Tantric, and has presented her workshop of the same title at Sisterspace Weekend in Darlington, Maryland (September 2014) and the 10th  & 11th Annual Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia (February 2015 & 2016, respectively). Cassendre was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) at age 23. She has been a member of Philadelphia's LGBT, polyamorous, and New Age/ancient wisdom spiritual communities since 1991, and from 1996-1999 facilitated Sisters Healing Together, a peer support group for women survivors of incest with a special focus on compulsive overeating, which she also founded, at the William Way LGBT Community Center in Philadelphia. Under her self-assigned spiritual name Amethyste Rah, Cassendre released the popular Affirmations for Survivors guided meditation audio series ("Self-Love" and "Spirituality" in 2007, and "Sexuality" and "Life Skills" are forthcoming). For more information, please visit    http://cassEndrExavier.com



Friday, April 1, 2016

Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Chemistry, Compatibility & Timing

Dear Friends!

Please enjoy my new Wisdom Magazine article, which I've written monthly since May 2009. It's called 
Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Chemistry, Compatibility & Timing
at 



You can read my article archives (about various topics including spirituality, raw foods, humor, and more!) at http://wisdom-magazine.com/ArticleArchives.aspx?author=Cassendre+Xavier

Enjoy!


-- 
Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier
(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls, aka Endowed Goddess)
"renaissance negresse"
(Multi-Media Healing Artist & Award-Winning Community Cultural Arts Organizer)
Founder & executive director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003 http://BWAFphilly.org) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002 http://WomensWritingSeries.org).