Sunday, August 21, 2016

Because I love myself, yesterday I...

...was patient and let my date help me figure out a new travel itinerary to see my family. His plan was way more effective and time-saving than mine.

...breathed through a moment (panic attack?) where I almost abandoned all plans to see my family of origin. I'd taken the train to one destination and found that my bus plans were incorrect (not related to what my date helped me find). I almost went back home, then I paused and thought about the weeks of planning for this visit, and talks with my various relatives, and that they would be disappointed. I calmed down, and talked with the public transportation customer service represented, and asked if there was another bus that went where I needed to go. There was, and everything went smoothly after that.
 I talked with my sister later about how I almost wasn't there at all, and how that was related to my bipolar disorder and how I can attribute this change to many years of therapy, medication, and the support system I have now. We also talked about a family member who is not diagnosed nor medicated, and we had understanding about how the many disappointments we'd experienced with them was probably due to the fact that they didn't have the skills or support to deal with such times that it is too unbearable to continue in the face of a setback when one has a severe mood disorder.

...ate sensibly at the buffet. I started with a plate full of mostly raw vegetables, including mushrooms which are higher in potassium than bananas, and which I as a longtime hypertensive with lifelong bipolar disorder require for basic health and mood management. Then I had things I wanted, along with more and lots of mushrooms (cooked) because I love their taste, their potassium, and their bulk and weight. I ate things that were healthier and lighter and a small amount of the desserts I wanted. I stopped before I was too full. 

...didn't feel bad or beat myself up for not being more loving or affectionate to a relative visiting from Haiti whom I saw less than once every couple of years. I was nice and sweet but didn't force any familiarity that wasn't there. In trying to manage my emotions, and examining them, I recalled that when she visited us when I was adolescent she once caused me to get a very severe whipping, because she told on me about something I shouldn't have done: I wore to school what I had worn on Easter Sunday. I wasn't supposed to, but I did it anyway. I don't think my having worn an outfit to school warranted the heavy beating I got, and I blamed and still blame her for that, because she didn't seem remorseful or compassionate at all. That's just the nature of strict Haitian parenting mixed with very heavy corporal punishment. So, that's yet another reason I'm not exactly warmed up to her. So, I thought through all of that and forgave myself for not being as "obedient" as I felt I "should" have been in greeting her. One can only be so sweet under those conditions.

...saw more clearly areas in my life that need my attention if I am to live a more joyful and fully self-actualized life. It was painful at times, but I felt strong enough to do it.


-- 
Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

"renaissance negresse"

$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning musician, writer, and community cultural arts organizer.

Founder & Executive Director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002).

Official website: http://cassEndrExavier.com

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