7:30am – 4 dried apricots; 3 prunes (dried plums)
11:45am-12:30pm – mashed potatoes, collard greens (cooked), chicken (baked)
3:00pm-3:15pm – 1 can water-packed sardines
7:00pm-7:20pm – About 26oz. soy protein shake (diluted 2% milk, Trader Joe's soy protein powder, some organic molasses, 1 packet stevia, turmeric
9:00pm-9:15pm – 8 oz. "golden milk" (2% milk with turmeric)
9:30pm-9:45pm - low sodium turkey on white bread with tricolored pasta (I had lunch held for me. Wasn't hungry at all – just didn't want to throw food away. I am Haitian and Chinese after all. And, oh yeah, also, too, in addition, additionally, if you add to that the fact that I kinda sorta just happen too also be just a wee tiny little bit of a raging foodaholic. Try to put some food in front of me and have me not eat it. You just try, it Mister/Madam/Both/Either! I double and triple-dare ya!)
Today at my mental health program, one of the classes I took was about asserting oneself. I learned about passive, aggressive, and assertive behaviors, and how each one has its "price" and its "payoff", meaning pros and cons.
I learned that I'm passive aggressive. And I learned that there are nonverbal ways of communicating. One thing said that when you're passive, sometimes you could say one thing, but the way you say it (too quietly, for example), or the way you look or hold your body, could be saying the direct opposite. This ambivalence sends mixed signals and you can "find yourself stuck in difficult or unhealthy relationships."
Wow, did that resonate with me! I'm often so afraid to say no that I send mixed signals without even knowing it, because I think all that matters is what I say. After I read this I knew I had to "break up" with this guy who'd been trying to hook up with me. In so many ways, even with him having the same first name and very advanced age – the oldest I've ever dated, he reminded me of one of my most difficult relationships. I didn't want to hope and wish for a nice and simple erotic encounter only to find myself enmeshed with an exceedingly negative old man who wanted me to be his girlfriend. That happened to me once and once was plenty. So I did it – I emailed him even though it was really scary to do. I told him that there has been a major change in my life and we are no longer a match, because I do not want to continue what we'd been discussing, I said. I told him that what we'd been discussing is not appropriate for me at this time. I apologized for any inconvenience and I asked him to reply, and said that I hoped he understood.
He did that. I felt relieved but also very sad. I felt he was so bitter that my sweetness would've been a help to him (as I write this I see how absurd this is – how low my self-esteem. But this is very typical of child abuse survivors, as well as ACOAs – even if the dysfunction I grew up with was not alcohol. It was an out of control addictive behavior, and it affected all of my family in very similar or even identical ways as alcoholism is known to).
But I'm really proud I did it. Even if he didn't write back or wrote back something mean and angry – exactly what I'd been fearing. Actually he wrote back a kind yet succinct "I understand" to which I replied again with a thanks. Well, that's done. I've cleared that hurdle, I've cut those etheric cords. I feel the way has been made clearer for who it is that's right for me. I'm in no hurry.
NO LOVE SPELLS FOR NOW
I've cut out two rituals that routinely bring loving men to me – pleasuring men: rubbing my buttcheeks with oil, and scenting the top of my head (crown). The former brings passionate lovers, and the latter strengthens my connection to soulmates on the astral/inner planes. I don't need either distraction right now, especially since I already have one orgasm giver on call (My slave 2) and several more viable options. There is no shortage of available men. But I prefer to be more selective these days. Because I'm so occupied with and excited about my life and progress, I can wait.
(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls, aka Endowed Goddess)
Guided Meditations: http://cassendrexavier.bandcamp.com
$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning Community Cultural Arts Organizer
Official website: http://cassendrexavier.com