7:30am – 4 dried apricots; 3 prunes (dried plums)
2:15pm-2:30pm – Graham crackers with diluted 2% milk
4:45pm-5:00pm – a little bit of popcorn
5:30pm-6:45pm – raw spinach with 1 tin of sardines; the rest of the (big) bag of popcorn
8:30pm – 8:45pm – some extra sharp (orange) cheddar cheese
Eating the cheese so late was heavy on my stomach. Didn't feel good.
The opposite of the lightness and beauty of being raw. But I am pleases with myself because I wanted the cheese and carefully selected it for its lower fat and sodium content. It isn't my favorite kind of cheese, so I knew I would eat less.
Chose not to buy bread to go with the half of the avocado I had leftover. I didn't buy ranch tortilla chips because I knew I'd eat the whole big bag and it had too many calories (over 1,000), to go with my spinach salad. I chose popcorn instead.
I chose extra sharp cheddar because I really wanted cheese and this is the kind I least like – so I won't eat too much of it. (Muenster and mozzarella are my favorites p mozzarella because it's part skim and has the least fat of all the most common cheeses).
I chose not to buy more cookies (even graham crackers) and instead tried to make a few pieces of hard candy my new dessert. I only want something sweet in my mouth after a meal – I don't need to eat a lot of starchy sweets, which is what I usually do. I'll try 4 pieces of starlite mints, which aren't my favorite kind of candy.
I'm reminded of Andy Warhol, whose diaries spoke of this technique of staying slim: At restaurants, order what you don't like, then give the rest of it away to a street persun.
I followed my bliss again today and relaxed. I did some necessary tasks and trusted all would be well.
MEN & ROMANCE
I had some sweet connection with the Bear Hugger today. I'm learning the pleasures that can come from practicing detachment and self-focus and self-contentitude, while occasionally offering gestures of sweetness with no expectation of return. I'm always pleased when a return cometh.
I'm having difficulty rejecting a man who approached me online. We talked on the phone and I found him to be negative. I'm afraid if I tell him I'm not interested, he'll become angry and say to himself, "See? That bitch!" I have a sense he already knows he isn't a match for me. But I don't know how to separate cleanly.
I have a date with My submissive coming up soon. I hope I'll be able to spend he night. My new case manager is in cahoots with my original one who I had to fight to be reassigned from. Only my second of three case managers was good and helpful to me. The others seem to enjoy making my life more difficult. As if being in a shelter isn't hard enough.
And it's little consolation to think they're probably just bitter and unhappy people. Their misery doesn't bring me joy or self-righteousness. I'm still the one inconvenienced, especially since I've neither the time nor the energy to cite and fight each slight they serve me. I can only turn it over to God and the angels to help me get through it now and sort it out later.
While my guitar gently sleeps. In the basement of my office (the bookstore) today I saw my guitar. (It's where I store it while I'm in shelter.) It looked old and neglected in its case. I felt sad thinking about how it's not feeling my warm and sensual, appreciative hands or belly on it. How tight and rusty the strings must be now after so many months of neglect. But I'm not ready to pick it up yet. Where am I gonna fuckin' play and sing? In the basement? In the dark and cluttered office? I can barely even breathe in that office. I'm just making the best and the most of that place, and I'm grateful for it.
I'm starting to realize I may never be fully able to have a real seat at my family of origin's life and "table". I see now that I'm not wanted (except maybe by my middle niece and my so far only nephew) because I remind everyone else of the abuse and the proverbial elephant in the room.
MESSAGES FROM THE ANGELS: ON FEELING OVERWHELMED WITH DAILY TASKS
Dear angels, I just thought about my day and how I keep wanting to get so much done, but at the end of the day I am usually dismayed by how little I've actually done.
Angels: Yes, we've received that message of concern. We ask you to look at the essence or intention behind your daily activities. Let your daily mantra be "I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the best I can." And set up "helps" to either get more done or adjust your list of expectations.
Remember the role of stress in your life goals and intentions to be radically healthy and live a life that works.
You are beloved, and we cherish working with you.
And playing with you.
Good bless, and Good-bye for now.
MESSAGES FROM THE ANGELS: ON TAKING A PAUSE FROM ATTRACTING LOVERS
Angels: It is very good that you have stopped doing some of your rituals that you know are sure to attract a lover, because you know you are not ready to entertain one whilst still writing and focusing on accomplishing your Divine life purpose-related goals. More and more progress. God bless and Good-bye for now.
(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls, aka Endowed Goddess)
Guided Meditations: http://cassendrexavier.bandcamp.com
$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning Community Cultural Arts Organizer
Official website: http://cassendrexavier.com