Friday, February 19, 2016

Healing My Eating Disorder One Meal at a Time

Tonight at the Poly Living Conference I had a marvelous time at the desk of the registration table, helping out as I had the first year I attended in 2012 (since then I've attended as a participant and presented workshops). 
 As I waited in the lobby for my shuttle to the train station, I became increasingly upset and it ended up being an hour long wait, and I missed my earlier train. The staffpersun apologized by offering me food and drink at the gift shop/store. 
 I selected a tuna hoagie and green tea beverage (no real juices available). 
 Then when I arrived at the station I ate the sandwich - (finished it on the train). I was full before. I'd eaten a large mango and a half on the way there, and tortilla chips and cheese and chocolate while there. I was quite sated with the foodstuffs. 
 On the train as I finished the last bit of the sandwich the whole process of consuming it having been painful from the beginning - wrought with anxiety and the opposite of stillness (I wondered if I was mindfully eating since I was so aware of everything I was feeling). 
 After I ate it on the train, I had a breakthrough. As I proceeded my usual "study" and "experience" of all the negative emotions and physical effects of having yet once again overeaten in frustration (over hour late shuttle) and sadness (I realized I didn't really want to leave my friends at the conference. i wanted to stay and flirt and go to the dark bar and stay the night with a new or familiar lover - I didn't want to leave)... I realized: 

You do NOT get to keep telling the same story over and over again. You do NOT get to talk (to yourself or anyone else) about how you feel after having abused yourself once again.

Normally I would talk about how I feel after having overeaten. 

This time I said No. I will no longer talk about this. I will only celebrate everything in my life.
If I abuse myself, I'm gonna have to keep my big  yappa shutta.

If I want to talk about my eating. It's only gonna be good stuff.

Somethin' oughta happen with this. It feels right.


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