So today I was so psyched to get my CPAP machine. It was to be delivered where I volunteer most days of the week. The scheduled time was between 1:00pm and 5:00pm.
At around 9:20 this morning my phone rang but I missed the call. Then I called the medical supply place to see if it was them, but was told probably not. So I continued to my 10am appointment.
At around 12:00pm I received a phone call, and I picked up. It was the driver. He said he was no longer in the area, and had stopped by the store (where I volunteer). He was upset because I wasn't there, and I was upset because I had missed him. Turns out he was never given the 1-5pm "note".
I was sooooooo upset. You don't understand. I am 46 and have had the symptoms of sleep apnea since my early 20s. It was one of the many things I'd let slide, even during periods of employment-supplied health insurance. It was one of the many things that led me to where I am now and have been since June 2, 2010 - a homeless shelter, where I am receiving support and guidance to fix many areas and issues in my life (I'm also receiving a lot of stress there from both select staff members and select residents, but overall, the benefits outweigh the negatives).
I was thrilled to have this free machine (CPAP stands for "Controlled Positive Air Pressure), even though I wasn't able to have it delivered to and installed at the shelter.
I was so psyched I told my friends, family, and 5 roommates, who have been tolerating the snoring that often comes with sleep apnea (a condition that stops breathing and creates many other health issues in the sufferer, several of which I have and am looking forward to not having anymore after I can breathe well in my sleep).
I even posted it on Facebooks, The.
So now I don't have it today. As soon as I hung up with the driver I felt so angry. I said to myself, "See? That's why I don't say anything until AFTER the goddamned thing has happened."
Going to the store, I was so angry. So angry.
I knew I had to let off some steam. (One of the many benefits of The Yogas, and The Working Outs, and The Trying To Eat Rights is you learn not only ways to let off steam besides harming yourself with excessive or unhealthy food, but you also learn 1) To recognize and honor your emotions, and 2) Do something to work them out of you if they're unpleasant. You increase awareness as you increase your self-care.
I went to the back room. I waved my arms around. I did deep breathing. I wondered if a good cry would help (I decided it would, but that I wanted to wail and be loud and this wasn't the place or time for it).
Then I did boxing moves. Then I did wall push-ups. Then I did jumping jacks, but not with my arms because I used my hands to hold my breastal units which have been healthier due to my several months-long newly bra-free status and habit.
Afterwards, I felt so much better!
(I knew the only way to feel even better would be to have an orgasm, and I seriously considered it, but again, it was neither the time nor place.)
So, here is what I've learned today and wish to share with you:
When a setback happens, remember this:
1) Setbacks happen. They're a natural part of life. Be grateful for EVERYTHING. You have no idea why things happen the way they do. Maybe it was good the driver had the wrong time. What if his arrival at the scheduled time would've meant he'd be involved in a serious automobile collision? What if the angels were protecting him, myself, or someone else by this supposed snafu? We never know why things happen the way they do. I like to think of the best case scenario, even if it doesn't occur to me until some time after. So, when and not if a setback happens to you...
2) Recognize, allow, and feel your feelings. Don't hold feelings in or try to deny them. You're humyn and one of the things humyns do is feel. That's all. It's a neutral thing, and you also deserve to have and feel your feelings. So do!
3) If you're feeling very angry or frustrated, find physical ways to release those emotions. Writing in a journal or thinking about them won't be enough. You need to literally blow off the steam that's in your mind and body. And exercise is one of the best ways to do that. You don't need equipment or a lot of space or even a certain space. You can use your own body in the space you're in. Calisthenics, for instance are great for that, but so, also are things like taking a pen and stabbing something that can withstand the damage without consequences to you - like a soft wall in an area no one expects to look good. That actually worked very well for me once, when a customer really bothered me during one of my retail jobs years ago. Move your body to release negative emotions. It really works!
4) Look for any feelings of resentment and talk yourself through to a better feeling space. When you're first upset, you won't think of these things, but after you work out and a little time has passed, you'll be able to look at the situation from a broader, more spiritual perspective, and be able to feel better about the whole thing.
5) Practice gratitude for being alive. Remember, you signed up for this experience - humyn life on the earth plane at this time in your body, etc. So, enjoy ALL the aspects of it, including the more challenging ones. Life, as you know, is abundantly beautiful, just the way it is!
Make yourself a beautiful day!
(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls)
"renaissance negresse & ARTrepreneur"
$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning founder & executive director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003 http://BWAFphilly.org) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002 http://WomensWritingSeries.org).
Musical & guided meditation albums and tracks:
At CD Baby: http://cdbaby.com/all/cassendre
At iTunes: http://apple.co/1K7zV5g
On Amazon: http://amzn.to/1xrklOW
Yoga Classes & Writings: http://bit.ly/1VQZZxU
Official website: http://cassendrexavier.com