Diary of a renaissance negresse - 29 Sept 2011

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I don't know what I'm doing here. I thought I was supposed to start writing and posting a daily blog, as my technical supplies allow. But I'm stuck now. What to say?

There was a time, years ago that I wanted to be like Anais Nin - write diaries and publish them. That was my dream for such a long time. Then things changed and now it seems I want that again, only I haven't the patience to save them and then try to publish them.

As a writer, I'm hurt when I don't write enough. And even though I keep a handwritten diary at home, I feel my blog needs more use. So I'm sharing my journey.

Today I ran into a woman who is a creative artist trying to maintain a family of 4 (herself, her partner, and their 2 young children), and a full-time day job (which, thankfully is arts-related). As I spoke of my new desire for a day job myself, and my path over the years of being a full-time book clerk to a full-time multi-media artist, back to wanting a day job, I was amazed at how rapt she was by my story. I was talking so long I felt self-conscious. I actually said, "I'm talking too much" and she said, "No! This is very interesting to me - I'm going through the same thing!"

So, here I write. For anyone out there who is a writer, artist, musician, painter, sculptor, actor/actress, mother, father, guardian, foster parent. Working full time at a job that doesn't directly support your creative passions and talents.

One thing I realized recently is that our careers sometimes go in waves. Don't feel bad if from time to time you need to take on a day job.
I used to think it was a sign of failing that I wasn't making enough from my music, writing, workshops, etc. I felt ashamed to be broke so often and didn't want to think about "giving up" to have a day job.

Then, I remembered the times that I was gainfully employed outside of the arts. It was so nice to have that regular check that would pay my rent and other expenses. It was so nice to have hundreds of dollars here and there to put into getting CDs made, or going to Staples to make chapbooks and stationery and nifty stickers and postcards, etc. That was great! I had money to buy nice outfits and to generally be more relaxed as an artist and as a persun.

Now, I remember that. I also remember there were many times after a few years that I suffered greatly from the desire to not be in a bookstore all day. It was time to spread my artist wings. So I did. And after a few years of trial and error, I eventually became gainfully full-time self-employed as a renaissance negresse. NO day job!

But the pendulum has swung again. I am seeking employment and I'm happy about that! I expect that my life as an artist will improve once I'm not struggling so much to pay my basic living expenses and can once again buy all the equipment and services I need to make the art that brings my life and soul so much joy and helps me put a little more love out in the world.

It is a great privilege to share this with you. If you can relate or want to share, please feel free to post or share this.

Hang in there, stay creative, and don't ever lose faith in your ability to succeed! Life is worth living, and there's no such thing as the perfect way to do it. Just enjoy every single moment and breath. Know you are doing the best you can and take time every day to note your progress. You are not who you were 5 or 10 years ago and 5 or 10 years from now you and your creative portfolio will be even more kick-ass!

Love yourself,

Cassendre


Cassendre Xavier is a musician, author, and community cultural arts
organizer whose mission in life is to share joy, inspiration, and
sensuality through the creative and healing arts. She is the founder
and director of the Black Women’s Arts Festival, and has been an
imperfectly practicing raw vegan since 2005. On September 19, 2011,
Cassendre celebrated her first year as an ordained interfaith
minister. Visit http://cassEndrExavier.com.

Copyright © 2011 by Cassendre Xavier. All rights reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint this article, in part, or in whole, only with
the inclusion of the author bio, copyright credit, and contact URL
http://cassEndrExavier.com.