Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Living with Bipolar Disorder: When People Say You're Crazy

People will always have their opinions, and we do in fact have a severe mood disorder that, no matter how great we may be doing with our meds, our therapy, diet, exercise, relationships and all those things that affect our moods, we will still occasionally exhibit the symptoms of our disease.

I often have issues where I volunteer staff several times a week. Sometimes people even say I my meds need to be adjusted, and I feel confused because my partners, my therapist, and I don't agree. Sometimes I feel very confused because I know I'm right, and I wish I could behave in more societally accepted ways. 

So much of life is about following social rules. Not pointing out mistakes to someone who is sensitive about being critiqued. So I am not wrong but I am made to feel wrong.

We will never always know that we are okay, unless we tell and convince ourselves of that. And due to the nature of our disease, we will never technically be okay. We will always be a little off. But the secret is to be around people who love and support us as we are.

Of course, if we are doing things that hurt others or break laws, we need to pay attention to that and make some changes.

But I decided long ago to not try to make everything match. We are not all meant to match. We are meant to be ourselves, and for some of us, that's just a little bit, or maybe a lot, crazy!

But that doesn't make us bad or wrong. We are what we are and I for one would have it no other way. The world is a bigger, brighter, bolder, and much more beautiful place with us bipolar folks in it, than it would be without.

So the next time someone says I need to have meds adjusted, I will think about it, check with my loved ones and my therapist, and address it. But overall, I will just let them have their opinion along the way. It's only their opinion.


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Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

"renaissance negresse"

$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning musician, writer, and community cultural arts organizer.

Founder & Executive Director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002).

Official website: http://cassEndrExavier.wordpress.com


What the Angels Want You to Know Today

"You cannot expect to benefit from using us  if you do not use us.
Spend time with us, think about us, be with us.
We long for your company in return, although we are always with you.

Today:

Remember, all is truly well. Breathe. Take deep breaths.
Smile!
Your life is amazing. We would love to help you see it our way."

I am writing this feeling tense and having spent several hours trying to resolve a conflict with a co-staffer. Being affirmed by my partner and other intimates that my views are valid, but being accused of needing to have meds adjusted by my co-staffers.
 I am feeling confused, and I am seeing that my relationship with the angels is being neglected a little bit.
 They don't judge,but they strongly urge me to make more time to be with them. And when I take more time to read angel books, or sit in quiet contemplation of them, I am so rewarded!

The angels are available with a thought. They are the thoughts and arms of God. But they can only do their work when we ask them to. 

I feel good to know this, from persunal experience, to know the peace and joy of just pausing and thinking of these spiritual beams of light and love. These things I never believed in until I learned more.

I am smiling now as I write this, as I know that my creative act of doing so is breathing in the angels' love. I am happy to know how supported I am, and to know that no matter happens and no matter what people say, I am fine and I am loved. I don't have to be perfect, I can just continue to be myself, flaws and all, and enjoy being creative and building community all the ways that I do. I am happy and all is indeed well :)


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Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

"renaissance negresse"

$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning musician, writer, and community cultural arts organizer.

Founder & Executive Director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002).

Official website: http://cassEndrExavier.wordpress.com


Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Wishing you a day full of little accomplishments

"I hope You have a very positive day full of little accomplishments."  -from my very special trainee. (I share that sentiment with you!)

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Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

"renaissance negresse"

$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning musician, writer, and community cultural arts organizer.

Founder & Executive Director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002).

Official website: http://cassEndrExavier.wordpress.com


Monday, August 21, 2017

100 Questions

So I did this silly little survey in case someone would think it would be fun to read/ Enjoy and click the link at the end if you would like to do one as well :)

Name?: It depends
Nicknames?: It depends
Age?: Quite youthful 48
Single/Taken?: Polyamorous 
Are you happy with that?: Yes
How many kids do you want to have?: None at this time
What would you name them?: N/A
Do you have a best friend?: Close friend
Are they a guy/chick?: Male
Do they like you more than a friend?: It's coomplicated
Do you drink?: No
Do you like to party?: No
Do you smoke?: No
What do you smoke?: Nothing
Have you ever been in LOVE?: Yes
Do you believe in love?: Yes
Have you ever had your heart broken?: Yes
Who was your last boyfriend/girlfriend?: My current nesting companion
Are you happy that you are no longer together?: We still are, in a sense
Do you hate him/her for that?: Mixed feelings
What is your favortie band/singer?: Sade
What is your favorite song?: My song "Run to You"
What is your favorite movie?: Flashdance
What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?: butter anything with the nuts picked out
What is your favorite color?: fuchsia
Who is your best friend?: Myself
Do you know everything about them?: Hardly!
How many siblings do you have?: Classified
Are you happy with that?: Yep
What are you listening to right now?: TV
What was your last drink?: water
Who was your last kiss?: My nesting companion
Who was your last hug from?: nesting companion
What is your favorite food?: mangoes
Do you have more guy/girl friends?: I don't have friends, I have submissives, partners,colleagues, and creative collaborators, etc
Would you date any of your friends?: My lovers are my friends
Is this survey getting on your nerves?: Not really :)
What was the last thing you watched on T.V?: Snapped
Do you know who E.T is?: Yes
Do you believe in aliens?: A little
Do you believe that all cheaters will always be cheater?: Yes
Do you believe in dying becasue of lost love?: Not clear enough a question
Have you ever had someone close to you die?: Yes
What was his/her name?: There have been several
How did you know one another?: We met various ways
Have you ever "Jump shake your booty, Jump, Jump shake your booty"?: Nnnnnnope!
What kind of cell phone do you have?: ZTE Android
Who was your last txt from?: My nesting companion
Your second?: ?
Your fifth?: ?
Your ninth?: ?
What did you last txt say?: No
Your second?: ?
Your fifth?: ?
Your ninth?: ?


One or the other...not both...

pepsi/coke?: Pepsi
white/cream chocolate?: white/cream
love/lost?: love
money/love?: love
friends/money?: friends
family/friends?: friends
pens/pencils?: pens
Hawthorne Heights/Atreyu?: ?
Lindsay Lohan/Hilary Duff?: Neither
All Time Low/AFI?: ?
computer/music?: computer
camera/computer?: computer


RANDOM!!!

last person you slept with?: My nesting companion 
last person you ate with?: nesting companion
last person you hit?: I don't hit people
last person you cried over?: My late partner
last person you hugged?: nesting companion
last person you kissed?: nesting companion
last person you said "I LOVE YOU" to?: Myself, hugging in the mirror
did you mean it?: Heavens yes!
probably not right?: Wrong, I did mean it
last relationship lasted?: Still in it - over a year
last hookup lasted?: Same thing - over a year
last party was where?: Several years if at all


ONE WORD...to describe...

last party was:: nonexistent
band:: Mine
needles:: sharp
spaghetti:: yummy
flyleaf:: ?
senses fail:: ?
ll cool j:: smart
rap:: revolutionary
rock:: cool
metal:: cold
love:: essential
relationships:: valuable
school:: education
work:: --
cell phones:: --
boyfriend/girlfriend/alone:: partners
this survey:: --
friends:: chosen




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Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

"renaissance negresse"

$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning musician, writer, and community cultural arts organizer.

Founder & Executive Director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002).

Official website: http://cassEndrExavier.wordpress.com


Diary of a renaissance negresse 8/21/17

My stomach hurts today/ Oh, and forgive the strange punctuation as it may have missing letters and symbols/ My tablet keyboard is tempermental/ 
 I am eating too much food and not drinking enough water. Welcome to my lifelong eating disorder :)

 But sooooo much to be grateful for. I am really happy where I live. I tell myself that we don't really have anything permanently so it doesn't have to be so bad that this is temporary.

 Everything in life is temporary. This reminds me of my late partner Tom's telling me once that everything is trash. I wrote a Wisdom article about it, with the same title. Everything ends up as trash, which came up when I was lamenting spending money on fancy wrapping paper, because it ends up in the trash anyway :)

 I am grateful for the cozy TV shows I get to enjoy every day on the Hallmark Movies & Mysteries channel: Monk, Matlock, Diagnosis Murder, and of course Columbo!

I am grateful that I am relaxed about how I am doing everything, from how I am spending my money to how I am organizing the festival this year. "Everything's going to be okay" is my daily  mantra and affirmation

All I need to do is remember that I am living and doing what I want to do, aware that there are consquences and that I am prepared to deal with them. 

There are so many things I "should" do and feel badly for not doing: Release regular updates on my GoFundMe campaign and newsletter list. 

For two weeks in a row I have been meaning to go to my storage unit and get my blender so I can make green smoothies again. Rather than beat myself up about it Isee the progress. I have a plan, I tried, I bought a TransPass twice, and bought collards to go along with the plenty of bananas that I buy every day. I see my progress.

One thing I am soooo happy about is my involvement at FetLife! I am writing a lot there, which is what I joined to do. I know I lose a lot of followers because I post a lot and every time you do something there it shows up in your activity feed. I lead several groups, some of which I created and own myself,and each update there also shows up in my feed/
I'm sure people are unfollowing me because I'm taking up too much space in their newsfeed and they want to see their other friends' post/ But I'm fine with that because first of all I'm not gong to post less and secondly whoever really wants to see what I'm posting can always just visit my profile/ Easy peasy!

I had my first dream of hell the other night/ I was trapped in a room with one of the two cats I live with, whose back leg was broken and dragging, and I couldn't even pet her because she was in so much pain/ The room looked like one of those kidnapping rooms, empty except for matress on the floor, and dank. Door totally locked and orange hell-like light outside/ Perpetual dusk outside, and a strange kind of quiet/It felt so real and horrifying, knowing I could never leave that room unless someone from hell opened it on the other side. Oh, and in that room with me was a large black gorilla sitting on the floor against the wall, with his head in his hands, very dejected/

As I dreamt I felt as if I might be dead and was urgently trying to get awake, to be alive again/ I was begging for the opportunity to not be dead, to not be in hell/ I got up and was so thankful to see a different scenario- the surroundings I am used to, the bedroom of my nesting companion/

In the morning I thought about it, this dream, my first dream of hell.
At first I comforted myself with the usual thoughts: Hell isn't real. It's a concept other people came up with - people who wouldn't love me and whose opinion I neither respect nor believe.
 But just as I was thinking I didn't believe in hell so I didn't have to fear it, that life wouldn't have a hell in it, then I realized why not? What if my not believing there's a hell is like how I used to not believe that life "should" have pain and injustice in it? Life has sucky things in it and perhaps the afterlife has sucky hell, without my permission and my consent.
 Instead of thinking, well, it would be temporary, just like pain in life is passing. But then I thought, how do I know? Anyway, I am having various thoughts about it from time to time.

When I ask my angels about hell, I get nothing. When I Google what do angels say about hell, all I get is posts about fallen angels.

 My inner wisdom says that angels are so focused on and consisting of light and love that the concept and consciousness of hell is extremely far from their phrame of reference and existence/ I think I'm supposed to just focus on love and light and joy and peace. The same consistent message from the angels: Focus on love, light, and joy/

Anyway, I am happy to have written this. I'm always happy when I get some writing done and share my life:

Writing
Living
Meditating and praying with the angels
Writing
Spending time with my guys and cats
Breathing
Enjoying orgasms
Writing
Community building at FetLife
Living
Organizing
Making beauty however I can





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Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier
"renaissance negresse"
$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning musician, writer, and community cultural arts organizer.
Founder & Executive Director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002).

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Love negates failure

When something, anything, is done with love as its intention, failure doesn't exist. When love drives an action, the result will have pleasant surprises, joyful, unexpected twists and turns, and miracles galore. Even the difficult moments will be easier for us to bear, and yield more lessons that we will be able to see because of our loving intention.

What is the intention behind your actions?
And what can you do today to add or attract more love to your daily activities?


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Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

"renaissance negresse"

$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning musician, writer, and community cultural arts organizer.

Founder & Executive Director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002).

Official website: http://cassEndrExavier.wordpress.com


Morning Affirmation 8/19/17

Whether work or play, affirmations can significantly improve your day!
(Hint: You can increase their power by doing them as you smile and hug yourself in front of the mirror!)

8/19/17
Today I am calm, assertive, and I trust all is well.


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Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

"renaissance negresse"

$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning musician, writer, and community cultural arts organizer.

Founder & Executive Director of the Black Women's Arts Festival (Est. 2003) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002).

Official website: http://cassEndrExavier.wordpress.com